amelios and self worth (first draft)
what differentiates these people's perception of their self worth? and how can i incorporate that into this quiz?
quick navi:
general notes
it's interesting to note that many of the solutions of these illnesses is just accepting and acknowledging that the world is more nuanced than what they initially expect. hm.. actually let me let that thought simmer for a while.
it's really weird. i'm looking back on these people's illnesses and i think they're just so elementary. like it's so easy to work past them. but maybe i'm just saying that because Allah lets me see the light at the end of the tunnel :laugh: idk i'm just thinking of dr francesca saying that westernised people are stuck on the first two levels of the nafs [chasing base desires and killing themselves with guilt]
blair
what i believe gives me worth is being able to "know" who i am, what my identity is, and how certain i am about where i'm going next in life. he completely lacks the ability to view a future for himself, not because he doesn't think he'll be alive, but because he never spent enough time actually just sitting by himself, thinking about what HE wants to do, without someone sitting next to him, telling him what to do. who am i? what is my identity, how would someone describe me not related to any particular setting, or does such a description even exist? he really just needs a bit of time to introspect. in this plot, the different people he gets to know around him give him more insight into who he himself wants to be / is.
- knowing, having a clear plan, being someone outside of your chameleonic actions. having a fixed "identity".
yohan
what i believe gives me worth is being valued, not for who i force myself to be but for who i am without strings attached or "hiding" myself.1 out of spite for being forced towards something he doesn't want to do, he fights against that and does what he wants to do unapologetically2. he really values it when someone actually pays attention to him, he's so used to being sidelined when he just wants someone to finally make him feel like he's actually important in this vast ecosystem in life.
- being loved, being important, being "worth it" to other people. being "myself" i.e., secular notions of freedom
gryffin
what i believe gives me worth is being able to do what i believe i can do successfully.3 are you even working hard enough if you don't get results? it's less about grief [and i should avoid making the options more focused on grief] and more about ACTUALLY being that person rather than just thinking of yourself as someone who is. action over intention. less about what exactly you're trying to be but more about: how much can you actualize that into real work? real action that provides a result?4 i'm not sure how this plays out when it comes to the fincident, though. ohh, yes. he sees himself in paris, so desperate to do something, anything, just to keep yohan safe, that he realises that your worth is not in what the outcome of your actions is but rather in your intentions, in your inner self and in you trying to produce that result, not necessarily in the result itself.
- producing results from your efforts and actions.
paris
what i believe gives me worth is how capable i am of change. i am aware i have flaws, embarrassingly aware. but i feel stuck in them, and it kills me with guilt and makes me despair at my ability to be worth something to the world. this is challenged when the fincident forces me to acknowledge that without me knowing, i've already changed so much compared to who i used to be. and what surprises me the most is that i've unknowingly changed for the better. i'm really capable of such goodness? someone like me?
- being capable of changing for the better.
oscar
what i believe gives me worth is being able to hope. however, i've overdone it, and now i'm trying to deny reality. but i prefer to live in this delusion, because it saves me from coming to terms with the fact that i (think i) eventually have to face despair. it's the fear that comes from believing in permanence: i think that if x happens, i'm permanently incapable of living happily for the rest of my life. so i'll deny and i'll evade and i'll try to wriggle my way out of ever coming to terms with x happening, even though.. i know.. there's no escaping it, is there? deep down, i know this attempt to delude myself is futile.
but the reality is that x happening does not equate to the end of the world, even if it feels like it. it's ultimately my fear of permanent despair that makes me push the limits of my hope to places i know i shouldn't be pushing it to, but the antidote is realising that this specific experience is not going to make me completely incapable of experiencing happiness ever again. i will find it hard, yes... but i will move on. and it will be alright again.5
- hoping (but maybe we've gone too far).
footnotes:
extra note: this is such a secular understanding of the word "freedom"...... i must fix this boy's character arc in shaa Allah↩
old notes i don't entirely agree with, in a way: the youngest child in him makes him desperately want to prove himself all the time. i wonder if that's actually a youngest child thing, i wonder if i've got it, too. but anyway.↩
my old notes: losing lily was the one thing that made him feel like everything came crashing down, how can he ever prove himself again if he's not got the one thing he was valued with? it's much more than grieving someone he loved, it's almost as if he's grieving himself because now almost everything he saw himself through the lens of is gone. [i'm rereading this almost straight after typing it and i'm realising this is not entirely that true. gryffin is more focused on his failure to produce the desired outcome rather than this being the only thing he was incapable of doing, if that makes sense.]↩
for gryffin, this is about being someone of duty, who can protect and who can provide necessary support. who can actually show that they care.↩
but x seems so big and terrible that i can't bring myself to believe that right now.↩