thoughts on marriage

03 Aug, 2025

i used to be one of those people who wanted to show everyone why there were so many love songs in the world (something i actually said [paraphrased] to one of my old friends). i used to read loads of romance books, fantasize about having a spouse before i slept, and rave and ramble to my friends about the fictional characters i loved.

islam has definitely mellowed me out and made me realise that love is really not everything there is to life. it's kind of foreign to me now to see people talking about their love interests with this certain image of their future in mind, which is [imo] heavily influenced by the culture of current times. this idea of "in the future, we're going to live together in a little cottage near the forest, and we're going to live a still and beautiful life with two cats and loads of books everywhere". i'm not saying that image is necessarily bad, i just think it's a very specific type of image about what romance, living with someone and [a lack of] marriage is.

mainly, there's sort of a vague aversion of any type of responsibility in this image. i know this image is primarily thought about by younger people, so it makes sense, but it's still quite bizarre to me. this idea that we're going to live together but we're not going to get married because marriage is some sort of terrible version of a relationship that sucks away all of the movie, fairy tale-like vibes of this romance that pushes all boundaries on what is normative in society.. and we're not going to have kids, instead we will have the softer, more aesthetic and beautiful version (that doesn't require me to put nearly as much effort as i would have to put in if i had a child): cats, or animals of any sort.

am i really going to be so averse to responsibility and hard times? you know, one of the main things that allows me to grow?

subhanAllah, it's quite interesting to think of people quoting "marriage is half your deen" and thinking about it in the convoluted, westernised version of romance, when the reality of that hadith is so different. marriage is half your deen: not because of a romance that'll let you live your best life in this short-lived world, but because it's hard. marriage is half your deen because it lets you grow, and that's basically one of the only reasons we're on this earth: to grow and change ourselves to become the best versions of ourselves, the versions of ourselves that Allah is most pleased with.

marriage and living together brings hardships, and parenthood brings hardships. but it also brings incredible amounts of growth.

rather than trying to avoid them both entirely, remind yourself of who you want to be. a person who is realistic, who can take responsibility and doesn't think this world is for pleasure, or someone who wants to be "happy" all the time? the idea of happiness being a constant stream of pleasure / being able to act on every feeling that you have is a separate topic i don't want to deal with here, but i think it plays a big part in thinking about romance like this. that's really not what life is about! you're much more contented in life if you stop trying to look for the "perfect" life and start expecting and even hoping for the hardships, because they are chances to grow into a better human being. there's always going to be problems, so to not expect them on such a large scale is only going to hurt your ability to grow in the future.

other thoughts

this next part is mostly theory since i'm obviously not married [yet]. but i think the dynamic one has with their spouse is sort of like the perfect mix between family and friend, in one way.

there is a certain level of comfort between family members that i don't think is as easily felt with a friend. some people like to focus on all of the downsides of their familial relationships, so this would probably sound really foreign to them but what i mean by "comfort" is that a person is very likely much more okay with a sibling / family member seeing them at more "embarrassing" moments of their life (like when they're asleep, in trampy clothes, snoring, passing wind, etc..) and i don't deny that there are friendships that reach that level of comfort as well, but most friendships involve you wanting to show them your best side. but with a family member, they get to see behind the hood a lot since they live with you. to give an example: more often than not, a sibling or another family member might spend more time seeing their family getting ready for events than they do actually seeing them fully dressed up (because as soon as they're ready, they're probably going to leave the house).

and while friends don't have that type or level of comfort within them, there are other special pros to having a friend. i don't believe i need to spend a lot of time enumerating the positives of friendship as we (sadly) live in a world that already focuses a lot on friendship and demonises family. but one of the obvious pros of having friends is that unlike family, you're allowed to choose who you befriend! with family, you are given these people to live your life with either from birth or later on, and you've got basically no choice in who your family is.¹ but with a friend, the floor is yours. you get to spend time with the people that you like the vibe of, or have the same interests/goals in life as you, etc etc...

and what's beautiful about marriage is that it blends these two things very well. with a spouse (even if you initially have to go through a weird phase of getting used to living with a new person), you get the comfort of a family member, because a spouse is a family member. and if nothing terrible happened, you also got to choose who your spouse is as well!

i'm often struck by shaykh ashiq's reminder that the first couple to ever exist was in jannah. and is there a reward greater than what a person receives in jannah?

what do i think?

despite all of this, my personal attitude to marriage is one of slight indifference. i recognise that it's probably going to happen, and in certain moods, i do look forward to (the romantic aspect of) it, but i don't think i'm nearly as eager as some people are. more than anything, i sort of look forward to having a challenge so large that it might help me grow into a better person. i've heard people saying they never matured more than when they became a spouse, and then a parent. so, two stages of potential increased growth! but in terms of the romance, that's fine too, i guess.

i'd also like to add, now that i'm growing up :laugh: i think it's probably really important i have a way to redirect any weird feelings i might come across in the wild. you know, your spouse is a garment for you...

footnotes:

#personal #seen