youngest siblings
disclaimer: this is very rant-y. i am not used to doing rant-y things but.. alas.
everyone always mentions the oldest daughter trauma but why does no one talk about the sheer guilt in being the youngest, the "one that got away"?1
i'm about to answer my own question: growing up and recognising just how much sacrifice and hardship your older siblings had to go through makes you realise just how privileged you are to not have been in their shoes. and now all you feel is indebted to them, because they're the ones who shielded you when things were bad, they're the ones who put up with all of this nonsense so you didn't have to.
so how can you even begin to talk about any of your problems when you know just how much they've been through, and you know how much of that led to you living such a "normal" childhood? you know how bitter it makes everyone who isn't so privileged to hear someone born in a better position than them complain about some aspect of their entitled life. oh, boo hoo, you couldn't have everything. guess what? no one does. that's real life. so stop whining and be grateful about everything you do have. you know how much i've been through? you're so lucky you aren't me. you're so lucky you're the youngest, the youngest sibling gets everything. look how much our parents dote on you.
and the "youngest sibling gets everything" makes you believe you can't talk about any of your problems. it's almost this belief that not having their trauma somehow means that you obviously don't have any that's nearly as "much" as theirs. it's like they're thinking: everything terrible i had to deal with in my childhood was so painful and it affected me so badly, and it continues to affect me. and you didn't have that childhood, so surely you don't know what it's like to tolerate that much pain. the experiences i've had felt so real and visceral to me that i can't wrap my head around anyone else dealing with the same thing in a different scenario.2
but not having the exact same problems as someone else does not mean you don't have any problems that are as painful. being privileged in one area of life doesn't absolve you of having handicaps in others. but because they were older and they seemed to know more about life than little baby you, you've lived so long just unconsciously believing their claim that you must be smooth sailing compared to them because your life seems to be "their life without knowing as much pain". so how could you ever think to talk about any of your problems? surely, this is all "less" than what they deal(t) with, right? nothing seems as important or as big. so you keep it inside of you, because it's not even "that much". apparently, none of this pain is painful enough. so why should you complain?
and the sheer guilt. you know you didn't deserve your early happiness. your parents only like(d) you because you were born last, and the reason why your older siblings sacrificed so much for you to live with such privilege was not because of you.. but instead because you're the little baby of the family. of course they would want to protect you, anyone with a heart would try to protect someone so young. but what are the implications? you're only worth something because you were born into a specific position? is there really nothing you yourself are worth, is the only reason people will sacrifice things for you and love you because of something you didn't even choose yourself?3
the feeling of being indebted to them is worse when all you can remember is how much you've taken from them and how less you've given back. you take, and you take, and you take, and it seems that's all you ever do. and what's worse is that they like you all the same, they still look at you with love in their eyes and help you out when you need it. just because you are the youngest. would you even care about me if i wasn't born after you? and why can't i pay you back, will i ever pay you back?
it's really strange to finally realise just how much of my life is affected by my experiences as a member of a family, i had never thought much about it before. (probably misguided in my understanding of my family life as "uneventful" and mostly unrelated to any of my problems due to aforementioned "but the youngest gets everything" mindset).
final addition that's not getting hidden in a footnote: this is very one-sided and filled with emotion because i was [obviously] emotional when i wrote this. to clarify: i hold no malice in my heart for my family whatsoever. humans are humans are humans and we are all growing together. it's unreasonable to expect people to be flawless so i will not be doing that.4
footnotes:
answering my own question (again): people do talk about this. but from what i've seen so far, almost exclusively through fiction. (edit: i've looked around and more informal spaces are talking about this so i'm not alone. it's also not universal!)↩
i know older siblings grow up and realise that that's really not true, and i don't even know if anyone thought that in the first place, maybe it's just something i thought was implied that wasn't what was actually intended. but if it was something they thought, then.. again: older siblings were young, too. this is a very young-person thing to think and i don't think anyone really thinks this anymore. i'm adding this footnote a bit later, but in the moment of writing this i was so caught up in my emotions that i forgot to note that i really don't think anyone here is evil! we are all young and we are learning how to live etc etc↩
side note on my specific life: i wonder if this is why i'm so against valuing people for their physical beauty: it's something they were born into. i've gotten enough compliments on how "cute" i am that i'm aware that i'm not unattractive (alhamdulillah!) but it barely registers in my head as an actual compliment now. like.. thanks for pointing out this thing that somehow makes me more "important" to other people just by virtue of it happening to be something i was born with. it's almost the implication that if i wasn't born with this, i wouldn't mean as much to you. when it's something i can't even change. (note: every person who goes out of their way to compliment me deserves a little hug for being so kind, i'm not meaning to be ungrateful about people being so lovely! but with this specific compliment, it doesn't really register in my head as much anymore.)↩
i also think.. some of these things are not true. it will take time to actually internalise that but.. not everything here is true.↩