amelios and self worth
what do the circus boys derive their worth from and how do they regain a sense of self worth within the story?
small navi:
blair
what has crippled my sense of self worth is how little i know about myself. i feel completely hollow at times, and it's numbing to just be in my own presence. it feels like some sort of cognitive dissonance to come face to face with how differently i act in front of my different social circles, and i feel like i've ripped myself apart to fit others' wants so much that now, i don't even know who i am anymore. my blandness is a testimony to how much i've ruined my own self for the sake of validating others.
what brings me back to having self worth is the way in which the other circus boys teach me little lessons about how to be myself again. yohan teaches me love, gryffin teaches me boundaries/dislike[?], paris reconnects me with my most basic identity, oscar reminds me that i have a physical appearance, and revel is the final piece to build me up.
yohan
low self worth because it feels like no one is interested in me. i try my best to live as "me" as i can, making my own decisions and not letting myself be a sheep or some sort of conformist. however, this is a little isolating at times, and doesn't do much to make me feel like anyone likes me. maybe there's just something wrong with me? but i refuse to step down from this level of authenticity.
what brings back my self worth is recognising just how much paris was willing to sacrifice for me. during our friendship, i've kind of just downplayed the extent to which paris likes having me around, even though i have entertained the idea that he actually thinks i'm important in passing.. but it was never as clear as that day. what do you mean.. i am loved? someone could genuinely be interested in me and actually love me?
as for my stubbornness about being "authentic", working through understanding my relationship with my mother makes me realise that a bid for authenticity is not an excuse to be dismissive or have bad character. everyone has to grow, and that doesn't mean they're "betraying" themselves by just doing things that are good, even if they're not what they wanted to do.
gryffin
low self worth because i sought to do one thing, and i failed. surely the outcome of my actions should rise to the extent of my intentions? did i just not care enough, why didn't my efforts lead to a good ending? i tend to have a very mathematical approach to things: hard work + intention = action that leads to a result.
but i've realised this isn't the case, and seeing paris try so hard to protect yohan made me see myself in him. i could have easily done something to that boy, but that doesn't take away from just how much paris cared about him: it was his intentions that counted, not necessarily the outcome they produced. for there are always things outside of our control... so the most we can do is intend good. intentions.. perhaps they matter more than the outcome of my actions.
paris
low self worth because i did something terrible, horrible.. and now i think i've stooped too low. it feels like there's no way i could change for the better, like i'm a lost cause. i have despaired in my ability to hope for better for myself.
but seeing just how much i was willing to sacrifice for yohan has forced me to introspect. was.. was that really me? am i really capable of so much good? i was so blinded by my despair in becoming someone better that i never realised just how much i've already improved compared to how i was before. and maybe i can keep moving forward... maybe i can rise above the actions of my past.
oscar
self worth comes from hope. but i've hoped too much, i'm erring on the side of delusion now. i really, really don't want to have to face this despair. but i know it's coming... i know it is. but if i pretend, maybe it'll be okay. maybe it won't happen [i know it will]. if this happens, i'm really never going to be okay ever again.
one day, i finally do it. i check.. and it didn't happen? my friend is still alive! but he's not the same. so he hasn't died, but.. maybe the old him has. nothing is the same about him anymore, it makes me wonder what i was missing? a sense of belonging, feeling loved and important?
wait. haven't i already got that? why didn't i ever look around me? i spent so long trying to fill that hole in my chest with you, that i never realised that hole was already filled. sure, it's not the same. it'll never be the same. but it's not so bad, is it? maybe i'll be okay. maybe things will be okay.
revel
self worth comes from contributing. to letting my boundaries be stepped on and to let me consistently be taken advantage of, not because anyone around me is cruel but because i never have the guts to say no. i desperately, desperately want to be valuable. and i can't imagine that there's value inside me outside of serving others. who would want to be around me if i'm not useful to them?
but when i get into contact with my family again, one of them is incredibly angry with me. [i thought i'd be a hero. woe is me.. no one ever truly appreciates me—] wait, what did they just call me? i'm selfish? me? this is bizarre. i don't think i've ever been called that in my life. but if i put myself in their shoes.. i was selfish, wasn't i? i was so focused on seeming "selfless" that i never stopped to realise just how hypocritical i became. the only person i was really serving was myself.
note: this is a redraft of an old attempt at discussing each of the boys' self worth (which i never finished). you can find it here.